The Brooklyn Exodus

The initial exodus started after our kids were close to a year old but it didn't really touch our gang until this past spring. The families who left the city earlier were the exception, not the rule. Most of us were ankle deep in Brooklyn concrete, embracing the lifestyle of raising our children in close proximity to one another. We touted the advantages of city life: convenience! parks! community! culture! Trader Joe's! And don't get us started on our neighborhood's very desirable public elementary schools. All in walking distance. We couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Deb was the first to move. She and her husband bought a beautiful home in Westchester while pregnant with their second child. So ingrained were her city resources, however, that the house stayed empty for the duration of her pregnancy. She wanted to give birth in the city and then transition to her life as a suburban mom so they waited until the spring to move. Next came Lauren. Her husband got his dream job in Hartford in May so they doubled their living space for half the price and moved to Connecticut. Heather followed soon thereafter. It was touch and go for a while as she and her husband debated the advantages of moving close to his family in a tony Long Island town versus staying in Brooklyn. They realized that a move to the 'burbs was the best thing for their family and off they went for more space and a saner life. Yesterday, I watched Jeanmarie and her family pack a giant truck for their cross-country move to Los Angeles. They will live 8 blocks from the beach in a spacious home. Her 13 year old son will go to a great public school which doesn't require an application and an epic subway ride. Her husband will have a bounty of career opportunities.

Then there's me. Since my daughter was born and I decided to work part time in order to raise her (as a single parent, I couldn't imagine being out of the house for the 12 hours a day it would take if I returned to my career track), I have struggled financially. I joked to my father that I should probably move back to Connecticut where I was born, raised, and from where I happily departed 25 years ago. Several hours later, he has a house lined up for me to see, a friend-of-friend's 2 bedroom beach cottage. I went to see it and it was adorable and perfect. And twice the size of my Brooklyn apartment at half the price. As an added bonus, my newly-retired mother lives in the next town (helloooo, free babysitting). Moving became sort of a no-brainer. I now have less than two weeks left in Brooklyn.

I sit here, surrounded by half-empty boxes and I am welling with tears. I felt similarly at my college graduation. Life was propelling me forward, and good things were ahead, but I was also mourning this wonderful, adventure-filled phase in my life. I have so loved this time with these people, watching our awesome progeny grow. Today, I recommit to my Mommune and to these friendships. It'll take more work than a quickie "hey, who's up for Carroll Park in 20 minutes" text, but I know that we will all be in one another's lives for the long haul.

I realize that we NYC-types talk about real estate and square footage and rents ad nauseum, and I apologize for that. We know that there are a myriad of reasons for this and we see all of the things which make our community so irresistible that rents keep their steady, painful incline. But once I popped my head above the big Brooklyn bubble, I realized that there are other things out there. There is sanity, financial security, space, family, yards, garages, and yes, fun. I see where my recently departed friends are. Is the transition hard? Heck, yeah. Who wants to schlepp two kids into car seats to go anywhere a la Deb, or have to respond to an evite for a Pinkberry yogurt trip with the kids two weeks from now in order to meet new mom friends like Lauren? But as all of our departees have settled in with their new lives, a common thread has emerged. Happiness. These moves have strengthened families and made life, well, easier. Who knew?

So the real question now is, who's next?

The BIG MOVE!!

My first blog ever

I have never done this before and I am very self conscious about sharing any of my thoughts in writing because it means they are there forever!.  But here goes YOLO right :).  

As I plan my move to the West Coast I am spending a lot of time reminiscing about my time here with my tribe or GANG.  I have cried almost daily and can’t imagine my life without the ladies who have helped me through all the trials and tribulations you experience as a new mom.  

But to backtrack for a moment.  I am not a new mom.  I am a seasoned mom with a 13yr old.  I was a very young mom and enjoyed every second with my oldest but something was missing.  I had the family support and the great friends don’t get me wrong but no one was experiencing what I was experiencing when I was experiencing it.  I went through life different.  I didn't have the college years or the crazy one night stands (Ok I had one but it doesn't really count because that's now my husband). I would go out but always came home to my baby boy and never had the carefree 20’s in order to find myself like so many others had. So I set a goal and went for it hoping it was right for me.

Fast forward 10 years and my second angel comes along.  This time I’m ready (right?).  I have a career, a husband, baby knowledge!!! Then she’s born and FUCK everything has changed. I’m breastfeeding for the first time, my husband is a newbie and thinks I know everything, I’m living in my own home without my family right there to help me when she won’t shut up.  I don’t remember ANYTHING.  Luckily I realized I needed support and went in search of it. Now it didn't happen over night. It started with a music class and a walk for coffee after.  Then I went to the park and started talking vaccines. I joined a baby boot camp and met a few more moms.  Over the course of 2 ½ yrs I became friends with a group of women who were so very different and so very the same.  For the first time in my life I wasn't the “young mom”.  I was with a group of women going through the same thing I was going through at the same time I was going through it.  We were all educated women who had goals and careers, then our babies arrived and our goals and aspirations changed.  We wanted to be with our kids but not lose our independence. We were sleep deprived. We went un-showered for days at a time (its a fact new moms never get to shower).  Some were breastfeeding, others pumping, and others formula fed. Some worked full time, some part-time/per Diem, some not at all. We would meet for drinks at 1pm or a walk or at the park. Our kids were all going through changes daily.  It was a joy to laugh and cry and scream with people experiencing the same challenges as me.

Now as many of us charter new territory including new jobs, new homes, new states, I feel so incredibly sad to be losing my crew. I’m sure I will meet new amazing people who will teach me new things but I’m afraid I will never experience the non judgmental,  supportive, unconditional love I had received from these beautiful ladies and a gentleman.  

Child Swapping, or Raising Kids in the Village Style

My kid is The Smelly Kid. She's 2.5 years old  and gets about a bath a week. Sometimes up to three, but that's usually the result of being stuck indoors due to weather and needing an activity, not because I've suddenly turned into a responsible mother.  Her most recent bath was given by a fellow mommune member and the whole situation left me so grateful that I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

I have a standing appointment every Thursday evening. One of my friends always takes my daughter so I can go without having to arrange for paid childcare. For three (ish) hours every Thursday night, my kid plays with another kid whom she dearly loves. I pick her up 15 minutes before bedtime clean, fed, PJ-clad, and happy. This arrangement has been in place for over a year now and I take the other kid once a week, too. Those days I have three (ish) hours of my daughter basically laughing her ass off because she is so delighted by her friend.  My regular arrangement didn't work this past week, so another mommune mommy happily stepped in. Again, I picked up a happy, clean toddler who was reluctant to leave and again, I was floored with gratitude. It seems that babysitting really shouldn't leave me teary-eyed, but here's a list of reasons, in no particular order, why child swapping is The Best Thing Ever:

1. My kid gets a fight-free bath. Evening baths are a struggle in our house, it always seems to be a race to make and eat dinner, get teeth brushed and get to bed. Bath just doesn't fit in most nights. Daytime baths/showers only happen when she's been in the sandbox/at the beach/in the pool and they're usually rushed because I want to play as long as possible and wait to leave until we really should already be home for naptime. But buddy baths are awesome! They are a fun activity into themselves and the last much longer (and therefore kiddo gets cleaner, right?) than a solo bath.

2. My kid interacts with other kids on a long term basis. Three hours to a toddler is an eternity: they go through every possible emotion at least twice. Instead of a play date that I would just leave during a meltdown, we all work through powerful emotions and see each other in all moods.

3. My kid tries new foods, new routines, new books and new activities, she sees what it's like have older or younger siblings, she plays with pets (she has neither siblings nor pets), she gets to see other ways of family dynamics that are different than ours.

4. I am a better parent when I have 2 (or more). If I'm at home with kiddo alone, I will check email between stories, I'll follow up with clients as soon as they text, I'll drag kiddo to the big park that I want to go to. When I have more kids, I'll play with them both. I'll engage them in helping make dinner, I'll bring them to the cute kid-friendly bakery to watch cake get made, I'll put on Toddler Pandora and dance. I get out a rut.

5. The kids play together. YES! It's true more and more every week. They invent their own games, their own lyrics to songs, their own version of sharing. They talk to each other and negotiate on their own terms. It's actually amazing.

6.. The love. When my daughter was first starting to sleep in her own bed at about age 2, she invented a soothing bedtime ritual where she listed to people who loved her. She would start with Mama and Daddy, then branch off. Always in her top 10 were the Mommune family members (including dads, siblings and sometimes pets). And she's right. They do love her. What a gift.

The Mommune: How it all began

It was kismet, pure and simple. The fact that we all gave birth in the 4 month span from November, 2011 until February, 2012 and lived in close proximity to one another led to the formation of our crew, our parent posse, our Mommune. It is a rare treat to find a new true friend in adulthood. Finding a whole bucketload is unheard of. We are ever-grateful that we found one another and for the incredible experiences we have had in the past 2 ½ years. These will be lifelong friendships and we are very excited for our offspring to grow up together, regardless of where we all land.

We all started our families in New York City, in a yuppified, brownstoney community in Brooklyn. Several abutting neighborhoods are thrown together into a giant, unwieldy, resourceful Yahoo group (a recent visit showed 9,019 members). It’s a great place to sell your changing table, borrow a nebulizer, get a pediatric orthopedic referral, or sublet an apartment for visiting grandparents. The moderators divide expectant families and new moms into subgroups and so “novjanbococababies” was formed. In the early months, we had over 65 members (many more have joined since then). This group took off like a shot. During the maternity leave months, weekly meet-ups were planned and a Google doc with  pictures and contact info was circulated. We were so organized that the moderators of the giant group cut us loose to moderate ourselves. Friends who had babies just one month earlier or a few months later did not have the same experience we did. The parents from our little slice in time were special.

Some of the Mommune members hit it off in those difficult early days and embraced regular “Wine and Whine” sessions. As seasons passed, they introduced other friends with similarly aged children to one another. Bonds formed and eventually our gang solidified.

We are a hodgepodge of SAHM’s (and one Dad), freelancers, and full time career-types. Our ages span 16 years. We are (or have been) advertising big-shots, attorneys, celebrity personal assistants, fitness trainers, interior designers, nurses, nutritionists, project managers, producers, students, teachers, and writers. And now we are parents.

We display a variety of parenting styles but we respect one another and we feel comfortable parenting one another’s children. We champion one another through the gleeful and the miserable. Most importantly, we can find humor in just about anything. Some of us have experienced some of life's biggest challenges this year and the Mommune has kept everyone laughing. 

If we lived somewhere with reasonable real estate, some of us might consider forming a real in-the-flesh commune.  Frankly, few things sound more appealing right now. Alas, Brooklyn becomes more ridiculously hip-n-happening with every passing day and a number of us have already started the “greener pastures” exodus (to Westchester, to Connecticut, to Los Angeles) so we will have to settle for this virtual commune, our Mommune. We will share musings, problems, experiences, ideas, and general hilarity. Because there's nothing funnier than parenthood. At least to us.

We are in agreement that parenthood is an incredible adventure. To find these friendships as a byproduct of what is already a giant blessing? Who's luckier than us?